neverfoundtheanswer

[It's another rough day. They've been getting so much more frequent lately that he's starting to think that something is coming. Every time it seems like he has an important due date or a busy day at work, he starts to feel that subtle burning, a reminder that no matter how hard he tries to live his own life, he's still not his own person, he'll always be at the beck and call of someone else.

Today is no different. He barely got through his lab midterm before the pain got to be too much, a burning stinging sensation all over his skin, not enough to be excruciating but just enough that thinking about anything else is nearly impossible. By the time he gets home, he's ready to crawl into bed. He knows he has homework to do but it will have to be postponed until he can think about something other than how much he wishes he could just cease to exist.

He's halfway down his hallway before he decides to go to Kevin's room instead. He's pretty sure it's a bad day for him as well because he hasn't gotten many responses to the messages he's sent him. He gives one single knock before he opens the door, dropping his backpack unceremoniously on the ground before walking over, kicking his shoes off and climbing into Kevin's bed, not even bothering to say hello before shoving his face into a pillow. Misery loves company, right? At least if they have to suffer, they aren't alone.]

[It's not a great day. The eldritch presence is his head is disarmingly loud, which always makes Kevin feel a little more fragile, a little closer to slipping away no matter how many times people tell him it can't happen. He's quiet partly because he's worried it won't be his own words if he opens his mouth.

He's not always thrilled about company in this kind of mood, but Emery's a little easier than most people. If only because he's closer to really getting it than most people. So he doesn't complain when he hears the brief knock, already aware of who it is when Emery doesn't bother announcing himself through the door.

It's darker in his room than it usually is, the heavy curtains drawn tight. He shifts onto his side slowly a minute after Emery lands on the bed, studying him in the dim light. He doesn't actually need to ask if everything's okay. It clearly isn't.]

Again? [A little bit of concern in his voice. It seems like there's been a lot of pain lately.]

Yeah. [Is the muffled response from the pillow, his head still firmly pressed into it. He doesn't really even want to turn but eventually he does, just moving his head to the side so he can look at Kevin, studying him for a moment to make sure he's okay. As much as he can see in the dark anyway.

He's not really sure what he expects to find, clearly neither of them are okay, just pawns on some demon's chessboard, expendable and small, what does it matter if they fall apart? There are probably hundreds more to replace them when they do. He closes his eyes, taking a moment to just breathe before asking Kevin a question of his own.]

Bad day?

Yeah. [His voice is soft, resigned. He doesn't say anything else. What else is there to say, really? Neither of them can get rid of this by talking about it.

He reaches out a little after a few moments, his hand landing next to Emery's on the bed -- close enough that the movement of the bed probably makes it clear that he's there, but not quite reaching out for him. He doesn't know how bad it is, doesn't want to make it worse. It's not like the contact's going to make anything better. It's just the only thing he's got to offer. He can't even claim it's going to be better. It'll get better, but it won't stay that way.]

[It takes him a bit of time, frustration and pain and sadness making him stay quiet and withdrawn, but eventually he uses Kevin's breathing to calm himself down. First just listening to it, counting how long it takes between every inhale and exhale. Then eventually he matches it to his own. It doesn't matter if it's fast or slow, it just gives him something else to concentrate on for long enough that he eventually relaxes. The pain still not gone, but at least a bit more manageable.

He reaches out to grab Kevin's hand once his breathing normalizes, giving it a small squeeze, talking quietly in the space between them.] I don't think he likes that I have my own life.

[His instinct is to hold on tight to anything close enough, tighter than is probably comfortable. He makes his grip relax after a second, frowning in the darkness, studying what he can make out of Emery's expression.] You think he's just trying to ruin everything else on you? [It makes a surprising amount of sense, actually. It'd give Emery more time to focus on his errands.]

I don't know what else he is doing. The last few times this has happened, I haven't even had tasks. [Either he wants Emery to be totally and completely at his whim or he is trying to regain control, but Emery hasn't done anything to make whoever believe he doesn't have control. He's still done everything he's asked, he's even been on time recently, now that he doesn't have to worry about losing his housing if he misses work, it's a lot easier to call out or go in late. He can't think of any other reason for being punished this way.]

[He can think of a couple other options, but none of them are even better. Might even be worse -- if he's just trying to break Emery down, doesn't need him anymore, then there's plenty to worry about. So he doesn't voice that thought, keeps quiet for a few moments -- and then a few more, eyes unfocused for a second as he tries to block out the voice in the back of his head, startling a little as he draws himself out of it.]

He probably won't answer questions either, huh.

[He notices Kevin’s startle and moves his hand from within Kevin’s to rub at his arm instead, running it up and down, feeling bad that he hasn’t given much attention to the fact Kevin is also having a bad day.]

It’s fine. I’m sure he’s just mad or something. [He isn’t exactly shutting down the conversation, as much as pivoting to the more pressing issue.] What’s on your mind?

It's fine. [Quickly. It's easier to just ignore it, even though that doesn't actually seem to do any good; it just feels like doing something, while acknowledging it doesn't. But he will admit after a moment, just so hopefully Emery doesn't worry as much:] It's very -- present. But it's fine.

What if you try to drown it out? Like think of something else that takes more of your attention? [The first thing Emery thinks of is pain, probably just because he's still dealing with his own issues, but obviously he isn't about to hurt Kevin. So instead he does the next best thing he can think of, and starts singing, quietly but obnoxiously.] Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey. [He keeps going for one more line, looking expectantly, like he expected that to just automatically work.]

[He snorts when Emery starts singing, doesn't actually stop him, but he shakes his head when he stops.] I don't think one hit wonders are powerful enough. [He sobers a little more after a second, going on:] I still haven't really found anything that can keep my attention when it's like this. Kind of hard to drown out something that's in my head, I guess.

You just need to find something really engaging...[It's mostly for the sake of trying, he's too painful to really follow through, not sure what he'll do if it works, but he leans forward, pressing his lips against Kevin's, lingering for just long enough that it can actually be considered a kiss before pulling back to his side of the bed.]

[It does surprise him enough to pull him out of his head for a moment, though that part isn't that shocking. He gets so detached from his physicality on these days, anything that really grounds him in his body helps a little. It just doesn't help enough.

Mostly, he's just not expecting it, which is odd to realize, considering what their relationship used to be. But, well, things are pretty different now.]

Don't move so much, you'll hurt yourself worse. [It's easier to try to deflect than thank him for trying, but Emery probably is used to him enough to read the gratitude underneath it.]

[He gives a brief little hum, only slightly disappointed that it didn't work. Maybe it would have given them both a distraction for a little bit, even though every move and touch still feels like knives on his skin, everything oversensitive, his nerve endings all exposed. He gives a small smile instead.]

I haven't given up. We'll find something that works.

I could go pry open the liquor cabinet.

[He's only half-joking. The months of someone else's control got him off of all his vices, but it's only a sense of exhaustion at the thought of leaving the house that's kept him that way so far. He doesn't think it'll help really, if anything it might make him worse, but maybe it'll stop him from caring.

Besides:] At least we know it might work for you.

I feel like that might be worse for you. Usually reality is a little harder to grasp when you are drunk.

[At the suggestion that it might work for him, he flushes, thankfully something that probably isn't noticeable for how dark it is.] I still don't really drink. I haven't had anything for...months. [Basically since they stopped hanging out, making it embarrassingly apparent he only ever really drank to impress Kevin.]

No time like the present to fix that. [The teasing is a little bit lackluster, though, not really trying to talk him into it. He's not actually sure it ever helped that much anyway; he definitely didn't have enough information to be sure back then.]

If I'm looking for a way to avoid all of this, I think I'd rather just have you knock me out. [Still teasing, although there is a slight edge to it. The fact that everyone assumes he's doing drugs when he passes out somewhere he shouldn't be, even his family, instead of trying to help him, leaves an incredibly sour taste in his mouth. If anything he's only become more opposed to drugs and alcohol in Kevin's presence, like he could spitefully prove everyone wrong, even if they'll never actually make him take a drug test, they'd rather just believe what they want.]

[That edge makes him hesitate, not actually sure where it's coming from. It's not something Emery's ever had an issue about coming up before, but god only knows what changed while Kevin was gone.]

I'll keep that option for later. Pretty sure we could come up with something better anyway. [He squeezes Emery's hand lightly, shrugging one shoulder.]

Yeah. Maybe if we figure out what works for you, it'll work for me too. [He tries to sound a little lighter in his next statement, aware he went a little too hard a moment ago, still very hurt by the loss of his family, and the way it all came to be.

He slips into quietness again, closing his eyes with a small scowl. It's been hours and he still feels the pain, if this is the new normal, drinking might be the only option to get through this. He hopes that isn't the case.]

I suppose meditating wouldn't be enough? [Said after a bit of silence, the only sound coming from his thumb gently rubbing back and forth across Kevin's hand.] Don't they teach you to tap into certain parts of your brain and quiet other parts?

[He's pretty doubtful about that statement. Bringing more awareness to his own body probably won't do Emery any good. But he keeps that to himself, takes it as an attempt to back off and lets the silence settle for a little bit, tuning in and out of his own brain.]

I don't know. Never did it. [He frowns a little in the darkness, shifting slightly.] I don't know how much getting deeper in my head would really help.

Fair. But maybe it could teach you to tune it out. [Said conversationally, not really pushing the issue, just stating that it might be worth the discomfort if it ends up being helpful in the end.]

Wish I could give you a CT scan. [And he really sounds morose about it.] If I knew what part of your brain was affected, I could probably prescribe something for you. Or get someone else to.

Maybe. [He's not necessarily against anything that might help, honestly. It's just hard to think much about trying something new when it's already this strong right now.

He considers that for a few moments, his frown only deepening.] That's assuming this stuff actually shows up. You really think it would?

I don't think it would show up as like an injury or anything, but you are accessing some part of your brain for this, if you thought about it or followed the thread, even just slightly, I could see what part lights up. [He sounds more alert and engaged in this than he has since he first walked into Kevin's room. If it wasn't clear this stuff is his passion, it's certainly becoming more apparent.]

If I had to guess. I'd say it's your parietal lobe...we could try a medication that treats schizophrenia, see if it helps at all.

[It's honestly not something he knows how he feels about. In theory he gets that anything he's thinking about would show up somewhere, but the idea that there'd be a physical trace of the thing trapped in him feels different.

But the fact that Emery's actually invested in the conversation makes him a lot more willing to keep up with it. He hums, asks more idly than he actually feels:] Which one's that again? [He doesn't honestly care, he's just trying to keep him on this thread of conversation.]

[He moves his hand from Kevin's, only wincing slightly as he lifts his arm, pressing against the crown of his head where the parietal lobe would be.] Behind the frontal lobe, above the temporal. It's responsible for sensory output and spatial awareness, everything you see, hear, feel, as well as the position of your body and how it exists in space. [He recites the facts easily, like he has all of this information memorized and readily available to share.]

[He hums, head tilting slightly as he considers.] That'd make sense, then. Not sure how you just get one thing to cut out without screwing with everything else though. I get it if it's a sickness or something, I'm just not sure I see how it works with this.

[He shrugs, dropping his hand again. His understanding of neurosciences is pretty basic. Magical neuroscience is basically a guessing game.] If you want, I can look into it more for you, or we could just try some stuff. [Medication mostly, some of it might work.] Or we can think of something else.

If you think there's a chance it could shut this thing up-- [He makes a vague gesture towards his own temple, and then shrugs, his hand seeking out Emery's when he brings it down again.] You can try whatever you want on me, doc.

Okay. [Flips his hand up to thread his fingers with Kevin's again when he searches for it.] I'll do some research then. [He almost wants to get started right away, but it will have to wait until he can at least move without wincing.] We'll find something that works, I promise.

[He wants to point out that it's not a good promise to make, but it's not like Kevin's going to hold him to it. Anyway, maybe having something to focus on will do him some good. It seems like Emery's interested enough in it that it might work.]

Don't knock yourself out for it. [Lightly.] But it seems like a good plan to try.

I'll be fine. [Not appeasing, just matter-of-factly, he's basically always fine and he's dealt with worse. This is easy, this he'll enjoy anyway.] ...we should probably do some labs first. Make sure I don't give you anything dangerous.

[Emery knows this stuff enough that Kevin's pretty willing to just let him figure out what he needs, but he pauses at that, frowning.] Not sure how you're gonna do that. I know it's a big house but I don't think it comes with a med lab.

I just need your blood. Then I'll run it at work. Or school. [He basically has his choice of labs to be honest.]

Nobody's gonna notice you doing weird tests on some random blood? [He's not dubious so much as kind of amused, willing to take Emery's word for it.]

Probably not. I'm always working on random stuff, I don't think they'll even question it. [One of the perks of being a model student means that no one looks twice as long as he doesn't make it a problem for anyone else. They mostly just leave him alone.]

Alright. Then I guess just tell me when you're ready to get my blood. [He shrugs slightly, accepting it easily enough. It could be worse, there's way more invasive stuff he could want to try.]

As soon as I can think of something other than my skin boiling, I'll be good to go. [Meaning he already has everything he would need in his room. Always grabbing a few extra supplies for everything he does at work so he can take one home, he's started growing a little collection of medical supplies, never knowing when it might come in handy.]

Christ. [He doesn't sound surprised, just sympathetic, squeezing Emery's hand.] Maybe you should deal with your own blood first. See if there's a way to help with that. [No, he has absolutely no idea if that's even possible, but that's not the point.]

I have. [Obviously. His own blood was the very first he looked at. It certainly doesn't look normal, the skin cells over his tattoos don't either. But he can't quite pinpoint the difference or how to fix it. He's got the passion but he's still only a beginner at all of this.] I've tried some stuff, it just doesn't do much. Some of it makes it worse.

[He learned the hard way that anything topical basically just amplifies the burn. Water, ice, burning creams, all feel like salt in the wound. Figures that the bastard wouldn't give him an easy fix for this. Magic injury probably only responds to magic medicine.]

So you can't just take painkillers and crash until it's over, I'm guessing. [He wishes he could offer some kind of suggestion, but he doesn't know enough about any of this. It'll stick with him, though, something to turn over in the back of his head, trying to figure out something that might work.]

I guess I might be able to in this case...usually I have a task when he does this so crashing isn't really an option. [If he gets drunk or high when something's been asked of him, well, that wouldn't end well. These little random bits of torture, he supposes he could try that, but he always runs the risk of being out of it when he gets called on. That reason alone gives him so much anxiety that it rarely ends up being worth it.]

Right. You probably have to stay conscious for most of those. [He's not actually sure what Emery has to do most of the time, has continued to not ask for any more details than he's been given, mostly out of old habits.]

All of the ones I've done so far. It can get kind of dangerous, I like to be aware of what I'm doing. [Even though he's pretty sure it's never dangerous enough that he could be gravely injured. That would probably defeat the purpose of his role. He doesn't really want to get hurt at all though.]

Well, if he's gonna start changing things up and hurting you for nothing, you might as well change it up and find whatever relief you can. Not saying that has to be painkillers, but if you can find anything. [A little shrug.]

[The moment they get home, Emery feels the strong urge to go to Kevin's room. The feeling had been building since he got hurt but now that they are close, it is nearly unbearable. He forces it down though, not wanting to upset Professor Brooks by running off too quickly. He hopes that any distraction the professor notices is attributed to the day's events and not the fact that half of his brain is screaming Kevin's name.

Thankfully he isn't detained long and once he is released, he holds back from running up the stairs to get to their hallway. He should probably change his clothes, his shirt has blood on it from his nose and his lip and his pants are dirty from being in the holding cell, but he can't really be bothered. He doesn't even think about going into his room, making a beeline for Kevin's instead and not even bothering to knock, just pulling the door open once he gets there.

He wanted to ask if Kevin was okay, that's been the main focus in his mind. Every slam against the cop car, every shove into a wall, every time they made the handcuffs too tight, his thoughts went to Kevin who was likely lying on the bed, completely unaware of why he was suddenly feeling so much pain. But instead of words leaving his lips when he sees Kevin, he releases a small whine and all but collapses into his arms, holding onto him.

It's awkward because Emery has never been much of a hugger even before all of this, always feel a little too caged in when someone had their arms around him, but this hug is different, this is exactly what he needed. The shakiness of his limbs disappears the way his headache and the throbbing of his eye does. It's like instant pain relief, instant calm. Any residual fear or anxiety he has just getting washed away the moment Kevin's arms are around him. He'd be more embarrassed if it weren't for the fact he knows Kevin feels it too. And really, it's been a rough day. If there was ever a time to allow a little bit of affection, it would be now. He's used to dealing with the pain the demon doles out and he's used to being put in rough situations, but he wasn't expecting this. Without the professor he'd probably still be in that cell, just another kid that gets caught up in the system with no help and no way out. He's been trying hard not to think about it all day and now, with Kevin, it's finally easier to push aside. He's safe. He'll be okay.]

[One thing he's never heard anyone discuss about having soulmate is how it feels to be laying there, perfectly normal one moment, and feeling someone else's pain the next. The way it shocks the system, fight or flight, adrenaline rising to take care of something that could be miles away. Maybe it's just that most people with soulmates don't have the same fears of something else taking control. Or that they can probably contact them anytime, while Kevin tries to restrain himself, not wanting to interrupt in the middle of an errand, especially if it's going as badly as what he's feeling says it is. It doesn't feel like the all-over burning from the other day; this just feels like an old-fashioned beating. Which, at least he already knows how to handle those, and this one can't leave bruises on him.

The other thing he doesn't expect: the way even through the pain his mind immediately jumps to Emery, worry rising sharply with every phantom hit. Ask him before all this, he'd have assumed he'd be focused on taking care of himself, but instead he can't get the other off of his mind. Even once the new pains stop coming, he feels like he's going out of his mind with worry.

So it's two kinds of relief at once, when Emery walks in. The physical release from the pain suddenly lessening, going from a cacophony to a dull roar; and the mental release from seeing he's okay. Even seeing the damage, it still settles him immediately.

Consciously, he's not really expecting for Emery to practically fall onto him. Subconsciously, it's the only thing that makes sense, and Kevin's arms are around him without missing so much as a beat, the only natural response. A hand finds the back of his neck, skin on skin contact, the other arm keeping him close. The pain drains away, and nothing else seems to matter anymore -- everything's fine now.

He's quiet for a minute, just holding on tight, before he finally finds his voice.] So where's the truck that hit you?

[For a moment it's all he can do to hold on. Even though the response is immediate, the way his pain disappears and his worry lessens, for some reason it takes him a little longer to fully calm down, so he just holds on through it, while his body adjusts to feeling normal again, better than normal, to feeling good. His own arms around Kevin's waist, the tips of his fingers find space where Kevin's shirt is folded up to press against his skin. It's always better when there are no barriers between them. He doesn't really want to think about more than this, it's already overwhelming enough as it is.

He's grateful when Kevin speaks, cutting some of the tension with a joke. He huffs out a small laugh, more of a breath than anything else and responds.] Probably still at the police station, or trying to find some other poor kid to torture.

[He doesn't say innocent, because unfortunately he isn't innocent and if he's being honest with himself, he probably deserves what happened. It's what makes this most difficult. He's glad he's out of there, can't stand the thought of going back, but if he was genuinely asked, he'd have to agree that they were well within their rights to punish him for what he did.]

[It sends a little shiver through him, the fingers against his skin and the way the bond responds to it. You'd never know he was in pain maybe four minutes ago from the lax way he's practically melting into Emery, relaxed from the sheer amount of contact. He's almost, kind of, getting used to the bits he's gotten so far, but being this pressed together is something else entirely.]

Shit, no wonder your wrists have been a mess. [It makes sense with the sensations he's gotten, he just wasn't really thinking coherently enough to try to backtrack and figure out what those sensations are from.] What'd they catch you doing?

[It's not the easiest way to talk, his face basically pressed into Kevin's shoulder but he's still reluctant to pull away, even just a little bit, so it'll have to do, at least Kevin doesn't seem to mind much either.] Breaking into a house...[Which definitely isn't the worst part. And he knows that Kevin won't judge him, it's just still hard to admit himself.] An old lady's house.

[He should probably be more embarrassed that he got caught, especially after talking himself up so much when they did that errand together but the shame has settled so deeply into his bones that it's hard to feel anything other than that right now.]

Yeah? [Kevin's not about to complain about him keeping close, even if it means having to listen a little more carefully. His fingers start moving absently, thumb sweeping back and forth against the curve of Emery's neck as he tries to bite back a laugh, grinning a little.] Maybe I should be finding someone else to teach me this stuff. Just in case you need help again.

[Not that he's really expecting to start going along with Emery regularly, he's just teasing him.]

[He's not surprised by the reaction Kevin has and it would be easy with how he feels right not to just shrug it off, to laugh with him. But he didn't see how scared that person looked. He didn't hear the shit those cops said when they were pushing him around. He doesn't have to deal with every single action settling heavy on his conscious, knowing that even if he somehow got out of this contract, it wouldn't make all the horrible shit he's done go away.

So instead of brushing it of, he pulls back, dropping his arms and moving to put his own around himself instead, which just adds to the bad feeling, which comes swooping back in full force once they aren't touching anymore.]

You shouldn't be helping me with any of it. You shouldn't be involved in this.

[His stomach drops when Emery pulls away, the ache settling in immediately. He doesn't think he'd even notice it compared to before if it wasn't for how the contact had settled everything, making the pain stand out brighter once it comes back.]

--But I kinda am no matter what. [He doesn't sound bothered by that thought at all, and he reaches out to settle a hand on Emery's arm.] So I might as well help.

[Dammit, the contact is too good, even just the hand on his arm makes him want to lean in again. He's trying to be strong here. To have a conversation about how he doesn't want Kevin to damn himself just because of his stupid mistakes, but every touch makes his argument feel weaker and weaker.]

Kevin, I'm being serious. It's bad enough that I have to do these things, I'm not going to drag you down too. [It comes out tired, because as much as he'd like to avoid Kevin's involvement, he's right, he is in it no matter what. If Emery just refuses, then Kevin will suffer too. It's a rock and a hard place, when he signed that contract, he basically damned them both.]

You broke into someone's house, Em. You're not exactly a serial killer.

[He's not trying to take this lightly, but it's hard to see what the fuss is about. Kevin can absolutely understand why it's so frustrating to be locked into this arrangement. But breaking into houses and stealing shit doesn't feel like something to be this guilty over.]

[The nickname makes him pause, his shoulders relaxing as most of the rest of the fight leaves him. He wasn't expecting it, that endearment. Sure Kevin has called him names before, like "doc" or "boss" but this is different. It feels intimate in a way that is separate from when they touch, like Kevin is trying to calm him emotionally as well as physically. He lets out a sigh.]

It's just not who I am...[Except that it is, it is literally who he is.] It's not who I wanted to be.

You're not defined by doing what you have to do to survive. Even if you were, the way you feel about it means a lot more than the things you're made to do.

[It's a quiet answer, more serious than he was a few moments ago. His hand slips down to cover Emery's hand instead, draining away a little more of the pain.]

Unfortunately most of the world is ignorant to the problems interdimensional monsters are creating. You're probably the only person who sees it that way.

[Which isn't entirely true. He knows he has the professor as well, but it's hard not to let the thoughts of others eventually get to him. Hell, his own family disowned him because of what he's being forced to do, the people who are supposed to be there for him no matter what left him during his time of need. Even Kevin (not Kevin, the thing controlling Kevin) turned his back on him once.

He pulls away again but moves further into the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed and wrapping a hand around his wrist again. Not that it really hurts, not with Kevin this close, it's more out of habit than anything. An attempt to protect himself as he gives himself a moment to breathe.

Even though the moment is filled with more pain and anxiety because they aren't touching. But when they are touching, he feels like he can't think straight. He groans a little bit, feeling like he can't win, no matter what option he goes with, there is always a little bit of suffering to be had.]

[He wants to argue with that, but he can't, really. There might be other people out there who would get it, but it's not like they'd necessarily know. All he has is:] Yeah, but you know it, at least. [It doesn't feel like much.

He turns when Emery moves to sit down, hands in his pockets, trying to figure out what he's supposed to do here. Comforting isn't necessarily his strong suit. Distraction, sure, but not comfort. And he can't exactly offer the same distractions he used to.

(Well, he could, but he'd really prefer not to suffer the humiliation of his soulmate turning him down today, thanks.)

After a few moments, Kevin moves to sit next to him. Not quite touching, but close enough that it wouldn't take much, if Emery's looking for the relief. He figures he probably won't take it, clearly doesn't want to be that close -- he's probably only in this room in the first place because of how much more it would hurt if he left. What a fucking choice to ask someone to make. Privacy and pain, or give up one to get rid of the other.]

[For a few moments he doesn't say anything, doesn't do anything, just sits there in silence, allowing the closeness of Kevin's body to just lull the pain into a dull hum so he can think.

Not that it does him much good. All of his thoughts are muddled with what other people think of him, his parents calling him entitled and spoiled and sick, those cops saying he's the worst kind of criminal, a freak, preying on the weak, even Kevin's voice comes up, calling him worthless, laughing in his face at his pain.

His stomach twists to bring up that memory, and it quickly shoves it back down, tries to avoid the feelings it resurfaces. He's knows now that it wasn't Kevin, but that doesn't change the fact that for months he did. For months he struggled with the idea that this was how Kevin thought of him. Would it do any good to tell him what happened? Or would it just make him hurt too?

Instead, he asks.] Would you even be trying to help me if you didn't have to?

[It's kind of a rude question, it's not like either of them will ever know the truth behind it. They know now that they are soulmates, what difference does it make to think about if they weren't? For some reason he still wants to know. If Kevin had the choice to walk away, would he?]

[He's quiet for a minute, genuinely considering the question. It's hard to untangle the complicated knot things are, knowing they're soulmates. If his instinct is to immediately say yes, is that because of the bond, or is it the truth? And Kevin doesn't feel like he knows himself nearly as well as he did before everything happened to him, like he's still trying to figure out who he is now.

Back then, he doesn't think so. Not like he is now, anyway. He's pretty sure he'd have been okay with their kind of friendship, offering a safe place to crash and a few ways to take Emery's mind off of the pain, for as long as it went on. But if he'd go out of his way, if he'd have taken on anything else if he didn't have to -- probably not.

Things aren't the same anymore.]

...I think so. [He's genuinely trying to give an honest answer, and it's the most honest thing he can say.] I know -- it's not the same thing, what you're dealing with. But I also know it sucks about as much for you as it did for me. If I could make it easier, I'd want to do that.

[And it means something to him, that Emery's still here and talking to him, after everything. Even before they were stuck together. But that feels like too much to say, too hard to admit.]

[He can accept that. It's similarly the truth for Emery. Even before the soulmate bond, he had gone to Kevin to make sure he was okay, and most of that was because of the trauma they now share. It's not the same, but it's similar enough and no one else will really understand it, not like they do.]

About what happened to you...if I had known what was happening sooner, I would have tried to stop it. [It's not something they need to get into now but the guilt Emery feels bleeds into that as well. He feels horrible for walking away, even if the monster made him. He feels bad he gave in.

After everything that happened, after the last time he spoke to him, he still tried to keep an eye out, to see what Kevin was up to and make sure he was okay. It hurt, but part of him still hoped Kevin would change his mind, or that something else was going on to make him behave that way.

Once he found out the truth, he was right there. Helping where he could, and keeping an eye out, asking a million questions and trying to find out when Kevin would be back. He still wishes he could have done something sooner, and saved Kevin from that grief. He didn't deserve it. He still doesn't.]

I'm sorry I wasn't there. And that you have to deal with my issues now. It's not fair to you. [Again he misses the point that it isn't fair to either of them, all he sees is that Kevin got away from a monster just to now feel the effects of another. Some soulmate he is.]

You don't have to apologize for that. For any of it. They did their best to make sure nobody was there, it wasn't your fault. [And he can't blame Emery for thinking he'd turn on a dime and drop him. Even if Kevin did like his company, he never gave him much reason to think otherwise.]

Besides, you were there when it was gone. That's -- you didn't have to come back. [It's as close to thanking him for it as Kevin's managed to get.] And you definitely didn't ask for...

[He gestures between them, and then shrugs. Leans back on his hands, glancing away, because all this is a lot to say and actually look at Emery at the same time.]

So. Nothing to apologize for, as far as I'm concerned.

I was probably always going to come back.

[Said quietly, facing forwards instead of turning towards Kevin. But it's the truth. Even if it wasn't a demon and was just Kevin changing his mind and not wanting to hang out with Emery anymore, the second he decided he wanted him back, Emery would have been there. Maybe that does make him weak. But it's also honest.

He leans back to lie down, the bouncing of the bed making his head hurt slightly, he winces, eyes drifting to Kevin to see if he feels it too, something that is still so odd to him, and thinks that as far as soulmates go. He could definitely do worse.

His first one was probably worse.

He sighs, putting his hands on his stomach, staring at the ceiling.] You aren't so bad...at least I don't have to explain my tattoos to someone else. [It's mostly a joke, especially by the way he says it, still not really looking at Kevin, but it's also true. He can't imagine being this comfortable around someone else, soulmate or not, it would have been difficult to let someone else in. At least Kevin already knows pretty much everything, and he doesn't jump when Kevin touches him. It definitely makes some things a lot easier.]

[He's not really sure what to say to that. Not really sure what it means. He's always figured he was just -- convenient, the first person he'd found who didn't give enough of a shit to push about Emery's oddities. Not really something you'd come back for, especially after... Well, he doesn't actually know how the monster in his body decided to break things between them, but he has enough of a picture to know it wouldn't have been pretty. Not the kind of thing you just bounce back to normal from.

He tenses a little as the pain in his head spikes in response to the way Emery's does, eyes closing, still sitting up. It's tempting to shift over the couple of inches between them, rest his leg against Emery's. Hard to be this close without touching him for any length of time. Maybe not looking at him for a while will help.]

High praise. [It's a slightly awkward joke in return, still not quite sure what else to say. He feels like he should be the one apologizing for them being stuck together; 'not so bad' really is better than he'd expected.] It is handy, not having to explain disappearing for a year. Could do a lot worse.

Thanks. I'll take that as a compliment. [He gives back the same response he received, not really sure what else to say, thanking him feels like too much, even though that response is definitely more than he expected to get from Kevin, he's never really told him much how he feels one way or another. Until it was bad. Until not Kevin did it for him.

Maybe if they talked more about this stuff, it wouldn't be so difficult. Or maybe they should just do what they did before and distract each other in ways that make words unnecessary.

He glances Kevin's way again and knows that he wouldn't be able to just fall back into that. Wouldn't be able to fuck around and not feel bad about it. Not now, not with them being soulmates. As nice as it would be, if they ruin this, then that's it, they don't get another chance.

He would like to not have this headache anymore though, so he moves his leg, pressing his against Kevin's and hooking his foot around Kevin's foot. It's not as nice as skin to skin contact but it does immediately make his headache go away. It's odd that more people don't talk about this aspect of being soulmates, but maybe normal people don't experience as much pain as they do. He turns his head slightly, offering a subject change as an olive branch.]

This helps, right? It's not just me?

[He leans into the contact immediately, even if it's just his leg, the line of his shoulders visibly reacting with his back to Emery. That's probably answer enough, but he shakes his head at the question almost immediately.]

No, it's not just you. The pain just kind of -- disappears. [He pauses, but they're being honest, and he might as well keep that up.] Not just pain. It's... I feel more... connected, when you're there. [To himself, to his body. Less like he's living life at arm's reach from himself. He's not good at explaining it, even though he's tried.]

Yeah...[He watches Kevin for another few moments, considering the options. He doesn't know much about soulmate stuff or how it works, his parents were always very quiet about it. When he was in junior high, he remembers that Ava started dating someone who wasn't her soulmate and it was a big deal but other than that, he never heard much. From how Kevin has reacted, it doesn't seem like he knows either. ]

Lie down.

[It's not said as a request but he wouldn't be upset if Kevin refuses, he just wants to try something.]

[The request comes as a surprise, but not an unwanted one, necessarily. He's just not sure what the next step is, even if he gets the feeling there is a next step.

But he does trust Emery, so he doesn't say no. He moves his hands to drop onto his back on the bed, turning his head to look at Emery, making a little hand gesture, like he's showing him that he's there.]

[He smiles, unwrapping his leg from around Kevin's so they aren't touching anymore and then turning so he's facing Kevin more completely. He lifts his hand, moving slowly so Kevin can track it, knows when it's coming, not that he thinks he will really pull away, and cups Kevin's face. For a moment he just settles with it there, the skin on skin contact enough to distract him again, it takes another minute before he runs his thumb under Kevin's eye. The one that mirrors where his black eye is, and presses down gently.]

Does that hurt?

[He's not really sure what he's expecting, even if Kevin can feel the pain that Emery does, it isn't like he has an actual injury there himself. But he's curious how far this goes, and how much they are connected.]

[He's still a little distracted by the contact when Emery speaks, the look on his face almost dazed by it. It's intense; he's not sure if the more intimate touch actually makes the sensation more overwhelming, or it just feels that way because of the added intimacy.

It only takes a second to catch up though, and he offers a soft smile.] Not right now. Might if it was someone else, though, I don't know.

[Emery nods, this thumb continuing to run under Kevin's eye, along his cheekbone. For a moment he doesn't even remember what he was trying to do, the touch is so intense, it's sending sparks over his skin, like being oversensitive but in an opposite way from what the monster does, every nerve is still lit up, but with pleasure, not pain.

Reluctantly, he pulls his hand away. The more intense the pleasure is, the more intense it feels when they disconnect, like the pain is somehow worse just because of how much relief they were receiving moments earlier. He tries to stay strong instead of just rushing forward again.]

You go now. Touch me the same way. [He's not really sure what he's hoping for, or what it will prove, but as far as testing theories goes, it certainly isn't unenjoyable.]

[The loss makes something go tight in his chest, not entirely from the pain coming back. He's starting to wonder if he's ever going to get used to this. It's like being high again but better. Less chance of it all going wrong, less of a mess afterwards.

Emery's instruction just makes him smile a little more.] Running tests, doc? [It's soft, fondly teasing, and he reaches up without hesitation. Fingers tracing gently down the side of Emery's face before his hand settles there, thumb stroking over his cheekbone before finding the bruise, pressing carefully into it.]

It's the best way to learn. [Both running tests and what they are actually doing right now. If only more of his schoolwork consisted of these kinds of hypotheses, he could use an excuse to do it more often.

He takes a soft breath in when Kevin's hands run down his face, like a gasp but smaller, his eyes wanting to close against the touch, they flutter for a moment before he hisses as Kevin presses against the bruise. His own hand reaching out again towards Kevin when he makes a similar noise of pain, his hand not quite making it to Kevin's face but resting against his shoulder, like it will ease anything he caused, and honestly, it might.]

Sorry. I just wanted to know how it worked. [A quiet apology, for making Kevin cause them both pain, even if it's already gone, was gone the moment Kevin moved his fingers away.]

[As soon as Emery reacts and the pain shoots through his face, he's stopping. His thumb stroking over the spot like he's trying to soothe away the pain, even as he shakes his head at the question.]

It's okay. You're right, it's good to know.

[Technically he's already done everything Emery told him to do, he should pull his hand back. He's not, though, not yet even though it feels like pushing it to keep his hand where it is.]

Anything else you wanted to try?

Edited 2025-04-08 05:43 (UTC)

[It's not like Emery is in any rush to pull away either just watching Kevin quietly, letting his hand soothe all the worries of the day. The question makes him consider though, tilting his head again after a moment.]

Put your hand out. And...close your eyes.

[He removes Kevin's hand from his face, even as it makes everything come rushing back unpleasantly, and shows him how to hold it out, palm up, in front of Emery but not touching him.] Just...[Trust me. He thinks, but doesn't say.] I won't do anything bad, promise.

I know you won't. [It's said quietly, with nothing but certainty in it. He only waits to see what he's supposed to be doing before he shuts his eyes, hand held in front of him. Waiting, patient and trusting.]

[He waits until Kevin's eyes are well and truly closed and then leans forward. Mostly he's curious if it will feel the same even if they don't see the touch happening, like somehow the mental aspect makes it more intense. It's mostly a flawed test because Kevin still knows that the touch will happen, but not from where or how. And realistically just putting his hand out to press against Kevin's would probably do, but instead he leans forward, pressing his lips against the tips of Kevin's fingers.

He's not sure why he does it. Maybe because Kevin isn't watching him, or maybe just to see what might happen. It feels like his breath gets caught in his chest as soon as his lips touch the soft flesh of Kevin's fingers. His whole body focused in, listening out for Kevin's reaction.]

[He doesn't really know what to expect, but that's not it. His breath catches a little in his chest, both at the gesture and the feeling it sends buzzing back through him. The back and forth seems to make it more intense every time, the pain worse when it comes back and therefore the relief even better.

He's doing his best to let Emery lead, doesn't want to interrupt if he has anything specific he's trying to figure out. But he can't quite stop himself from touching in return, thumb running over Emery's jaw, touching the corner of his lips lightly.]

[He hums slightly, tilting his head to kiss Kevin's fingers before he pulls away.]

Don't move. Keep your eyes closed. [He sounds a little wrecked as he says it, voice a little raspy. He tries to tell himself it is just because of all the back and forth. The relief and pain coming and going frequently enough it makes his head spin.

He waits another few moments for Kevin to do as he says, before leaning forward again, this time kissing right below Kevin's palm, in the curve of his wrist. He wants to ask if this is as intense for Kevin as it is for him. If he feels the sizzle beneath his skin, the waves of pleasure shooting through him? But he's afraid of the answer. Not sure if it would be worse if he said yes, or no.]

[He shudders a little when Emery makes contact, the way he suddenly relaxes again setting him off balance. Or maybe it's just the touch by itself. He honestly doesn't know at this point, any more than he really knows what they're doing here. But it feels too good to complain about that. Every spot Emery touches feels like it's lighting up, spreading out through him.

It's hard to lie there and be touched without responding. His hand twists a little after a few moments, fingers brushing through Emery's hair lightly. It's a little more familiar than most of this, which doesn't help with the way all of this makes him feel a little off-kilter. Still not enough to mind, just enough to notice.]

[It's easier for him to touch Kevin when he isn't being watched, when it's unexpected, under the guise of more testing when really now he's just giving in to what he wants to do. He knows it isn't really fair, not with the way Kevin keeps trying to touch him back, his fingers brushing through Emery's hair gently. But letting him respond feels too much like letting this be real again. And he's not sure he's ready for that.

Still, he lifts his hand, putting it under Kevin's arm, both to hold it up and so that when Emery pulls his lips away, it doesn't break their contact again. He isn't gone long, only moving enough to go higher, pressing the next kiss to the middle of Kevin's forearm.

For as much as he isn't really testing theories anymore, it does still give him information. Every time his lips press against Kevin, he feels it more intensely, any touch still helps, the pain always at ease as long as they are connected, but it's like his lips send more direct lines of pleasure pulsing through him, something that is far different from when he uses just his hand. He's not sure if he's the one making it a bigger deal, or if it's another soulmate thing. Asking feels like it might break the moment, and he doesn't want to do that, not when it feels so fragile already.]

[There isn't really any way to respond anymore, not without bringing more touch into the equation, reaching out with his other hand. Something about that feels like it's going to break this. Like if he does too much, it'll scare Emery off. Or maybe he'll just lose his nerve if he tests it too much. Not something he ever would have worried about before, but it's a thought in the back of his head.

So he just lays there and lets Emery do what he wants, which -- if you asked him, he would've thought maybe that would make it different. Less intense, less all-consuming. If anything, it feels more; without nothing to do and no other input to pay attention to, all he can do is focus on the feelings the gentle touches spark off through him. It draws a soft noise out of him without intending to make it, barely loud enough to be audible even in the stillness, his fingers flexing slightly against the blanket like he doesn't know what to do with himself.]

[Once he's satisfied with the kiss to Kevin's forearm, he moves up again, kissing the inside of his elbow. Without Kevin distracting him with touch of his own, it's easy to get lost in what he's doing. Enjoying the way every new press of his lips, sends another wave of pleasure through him, the higher he gets, the more intense. He wonders briefly if what he feels is coming fully from him, or if some of it is from Kevin too. He can see the way he's breathing, the way his body is so still, his fingers moving against the blanket, like he's trying to hold back, to be good. He can only imagine the way it feels for Kevin, and if it's even a fraction of how he feels, he understands how intense it is.

The rest of Kevin's arm gets the same treatment until he runs out of places to press his lips. It feels like he has to make a decision, has to either end this or keep going. He told himself he wasn't going to rush back into something physical, that he didn't want to ruin what they have. But how is he supposed to hold back when it feels this good? He hesitates, leaning forward but still not fully committing, at the last moment, he cops out, tilting his head and kissing the underside of Kevin's jaw instead of his lips.

The feeling is a lot. So much that he's almost not sure he would be able to handle kissing Kevin's lips, not if he didn't want things to go any further. As it is, a noise spills from his own lips, and he pulls back. The pulse of desire still rushing in his veins even though his lips are no longer pressed there. His hand is still on Kevin's arm and even that feels too much. He closes his own eyes, trying to settle the racing of his heart. The have been together before but it never felt like this.]

[The feeling just seems to grow every time, multiply even though there's no longer those stretches of broken contact. Kevin's giving up on trying to figure out why, just letting himself drift on it, pulse hammering and mouth dry. His breathing stutters again at the feeling of Emery's mouth against his jaw, familiar and brand new at the same time, with the new feelings shooting through it. It's weighty, in a way things never have been. They were always good at keeping it light, never really treated any kind of intimacy like it meant anything. He doesn't really think that's an option anymore, not with this.

Another little noise comes out of him when Emery pulls back completely, feeling the loss even though there's still some touch there. He's too caught up in it to even feel embarrassed by it. He hasn't really felt desire like this since he came back to his body -- too distant, too foggy, too depressed, always something in the way of it, and it's a little bit overwhelming now.

He shifts slightly in his spot, but it takes him a minute to open his eyes again. Just watching Emery for a minute, searching his face like he's trying to figure out if he's feeling all of it just as strongly. Part of Kevin wants to pull him back in, but if he thought rejection might hurt before, that's nothing compared to how he thinks it might feel now. He doesn't like to admit how fragile he is these days, but he thinks that might break him.

So he shifts a little more instead, tries to bring it back to something lighter, hoping they can both just ignore that he's the one that sounds wrecked now, voice rough.] Figure anything out?

[He laughs, he can't help it, because the question is ridiculous. How could he even try to explain what he figured out? Namely that he has no idea what he's doing. And secondly, that all of this is way more intense than he ever could have imagined. It's not like he didn't have a soulmate before. And him and Riley fooled around, but this is so much different. He doesn't know if it's because of their history or just because it's Kevin, someone he's been obsessed with for the past year, but it feels more right with him it ever did with Riley.

That isn't something he can really explain so he just goes for something more casual instead. A thought that has come to him more than a few times through all of this.] If everyone else feels this way, how come it isn't talked about more?

[Sure there are more than a few books written, and movies made about soulmates and their strong connections but most of that always felt like fiction, but this is living proof. Maybe it isn't always this intense for people, maybe they are an outlier.

He looks up at Kevin again, watching his face for any sign that he's upset, either by Emery's theories or by the fact he stopped, but he doesn't find anything there so he moves forward again, this time not looking for a kiss, but just more touch, leaning his head down on Kevin's shoulder, a mirror of the affection he sought after when he first walked into the room today, content this time to just hold him.]

I don't know. Maybe it's something to do with the weird situation, makes it... more. Or maybe people just find it hard to describe.

[He's honestly not sure he could put it to words, not ones that would make sense to anybody else. It feels indescribable. And he's not sure he'd want to, either. He doesn't really know if he wants to share it with anyone, except Emery.

At least they do seem to share it, and it isn't all him.

The way Emery settles against him makes it a little easier to settle, at least helpful even if it's not like it was before. His hand moves to sit against Emery's back, not holding him there, just another point of contact between them.]

[Even though there isn’t anything inherently intimate about the way they are touching now, he still feels like his body is buzzing, focused so intently on those little points of contact. It feels too good to let go, even if it means he can’t really settle. His hand, which was still holding Kevin’s arm, moves up and down, his fingers trailing softly across Kevin’s skin.]

That’s one positive for demon possession. It makes all of this way more intense.

[He means it as a joke but it also puts into words how he is feeling, how much he is feeling. It wouldn’t be as simple to just say it outright, but at least in a joke he can laugh it off if it’s received poorly.]

Or sprouting a soulmate out of nowhere as an adult. That could be the answer too.

[Really, there's too many weird things about their situation to pick. Even people who get a soulmate late in life haven't usually slept with their soulmate repeatedly before forming a bond between them, for one. Theirs is about as far from typical as you can get.

Not that it matters, because mostly it's just a veiled agreement. That it is intense, every touch a lot to handle.]

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More ~AU~ building

yesssss good <3

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