neverfoundtheanswer

[For a few moments he doesn't say anything, doesn't do anything, just sits there in silence, allowing the closeness of Kevin's body to just lull the pain into a dull hum so he can think.

Not that it does him much good. All of his thoughts are muddled with what other people think of him, his parents calling him entitled and spoiled and sick, those cops saying he's the worst kind of criminal, a freak, preying on the weak, even Kevin's voice comes up, calling him worthless, laughing in his face at his pain.

His stomach twists to bring up that memory, and it quickly shoves it back down, tries to avoid the feelings it resurfaces. He's knows now that it wasn't Kevin, but that doesn't change the fact that for months he did. For months he struggled with the idea that this was how Kevin thought of him. Would it do any good to tell him what happened? Or would it just make him hurt too?

Instead, he asks.] Would you even be trying to help me if you didn't have to?

[It's kind of a rude question, it's not like either of them will ever know the truth behind it. They know now that they are soulmates, what difference does it make to think about if they weren't? For some reason he still wants to know. If Kevin had the choice to walk away, would he?]

[He's quiet for a minute, genuinely considering the question. It's hard to untangle the complicated knot things are, knowing they're soulmates. If his instinct is to immediately say yes, is that because of the bond, or is it the truth? And Kevin doesn't feel like he knows himself nearly as well as he did before everything happened to him, like he's still trying to figure out who he is now.

Back then, he doesn't think so. Not like he is now, anyway. He's pretty sure he'd have been okay with their kind of friendship, offering a safe place to crash and a few ways to take Emery's mind off of the pain, for as long as it went on. But if he'd go out of his way, if he'd have taken on anything else if he didn't have to -- probably not.

Things aren't the same anymore.]

...I think so. [He's genuinely trying to give an honest answer, and it's the most honest thing he can say.] I know -- it's not the same thing, what you're dealing with. But I also know it sucks about as much for you as it did for me. If I could make it easier, I'd want to do that.

[And it means something to him, that Emery's still here and talking to him, after everything. Even before they were stuck together. But that feels like too much to say, too hard to admit.]

[He can accept that. It's similarly the truth for Emery. Even before the soulmate bond, he had gone to Kevin to make sure he was okay, and most of that was because of the trauma they now share. It's not the same, but it's similar enough and no one else will really understand it, not like they do.]

About what happened to you...if I had known what was happening sooner, I would have tried to stop it. [It's not something they need to get into now but the guilt Emery feels bleeds into that as well. He feels horrible for walking away, even if the monster made him. He feels bad he gave in.

After everything that happened, after the last time he spoke to him, he still tried to keep an eye out, to see what Kevin was up to and make sure he was okay. It hurt, but part of him still hoped Kevin would change his mind, or that something else was going on to make him behave that way.

Once he found out the truth, he was right there. Helping where he could, and keeping an eye out, asking a million questions and trying to find out when Kevin would be back. He still wishes he could have done something sooner, and saved Kevin from that grief. He didn't deserve it. He still doesn't.]

I'm sorry I wasn't there. And that you have to deal with my issues now. It's not fair to you. [Again he misses the point that it isn't fair to either of them, all he sees is that Kevin got away from a monster just to now feel the effects of another. Some soulmate he is.]

You don't have to apologize for that. For any of it. They did their best to make sure nobody was there, it wasn't your fault. [And he can't blame Emery for thinking he'd turn on a dime and drop him. Even if Kevin did like his company, he never gave him much reason to think otherwise.]

Besides, you were there when it was gone. That's -- you didn't have to come back. [It's as close to thanking him for it as Kevin's managed to get.] And you definitely didn't ask for...

[He gestures between them, and then shrugs. Leans back on his hands, glancing away, because all this is a lot to say and actually look at Emery at the same time.]

So. Nothing to apologize for, as far as I'm concerned.

I was probably always going to come back.

[Said quietly, facing forwards instead of turning towards Kevin. But it's the truth. Even if it wasn't a demon and was just Kevin changing his mind and not wanting to hang out with Emery anymore, the second he decided he wanted him back, Emery would have been there. Maybe that does make him weak. But it's also honest.

He leans back to lie down, the bouncing of the bed making his head hurt slightly, he winces, eyes drifting to Kevin to see if he feels it too, something that is still so odd to him, and thinks that as far as soulmates go. He could definitely do worse.

His first one was probably worse.

He sighs, putting his hands on his stomach, staring at the ceiling.] You aren't so bad...at least I don't have to explain my tattoos to someone else. [It's mostly a joke, especially by the way he says it, still not really looking at Kevin, but it's also true. He can't imagine being this comfortable around someone else, soulmate or not, it would have been difficult to let someone else in. At least Kevin already knows pretty much everything, and he doesn't jump when Kevin touches him. It definitely makes some things a lot easier.]

[He's not really sure what to say to that. Not really sure what it means. He's always figured he was just -- convenient, the first person he'd found who didn't give enough of a shit to push about Emery's oddities. Not really something you'd come back for, especially after... Well, he doesn't actually know how the monster in his body decided to break things between them, but he has enough of a picture to know it wouldn't have been pretty. Not the kind of thing you just bounce back to normal from.

He tenses a little as the pain in his head spikes in response to the way Emery's does, eyes closing, still sitting up. It's tempting to shift over the couple of inches between them, rest his leg against Emery's. Hard to be this close without touching him for any length of time. Maybe not looking at him for a while will help.]

High praise. [It's a slightly awkward joke in return, still not quite sure what else to say. He feels like he should be the one apologizing for them being stuck together; 'not so bad' really is better than he'd expected.] It is handy, not having to explain disappearing for a year. Could do a lot worse.

Thanks. I'll take that as a compliment. [He gives back the same response he received, not really sure what else to say, thanking him feels like too much, even though that response is definitely more than he expected to get from Kevin, he's never really told him much how he feels one way or another. Until it was bad. Until not Kevin did it for him.

Maybe if they talked more about this stuff, it wouldn't be so difficult. Or maybe they should just do what they did before and distract each other in ways that make words unnecessary.

He glances Kevin's way again and knows that he wouldn't be able to just fall back into that. Wouldn't be able to fuck around and not feel bad about it. Not now, not with them being soulmates. As nice as it would be, if they ruin this, then that's it, they don't get another chance.

He would like to not have this headache anymore though, so he moves his leg, pressing his against Kevin's and hooking his foot around Kevin's foot. It's not as nice as skin to skin contact but it does immediately make his headache go away. It's odd that more people don't talk about this aspect of being soulmates, but maybe normal people don't experience as much pain as they do. He turns his head slightly, offering a subject change as an olive branch.]

This helps, right? It's not just me?

[He leans into the contact immediately, even if it's just his leg, the line of his shoulders visibly reacting with his back to Emery. That's probably answer enough, but he shakes his head at the question almost immediately.]

No, it's not just you. The pain just kind of -- disappears. [He pauses, but they're being honest, and he might as well keep that up.] Not just pain. It's... I feel more... connected, when you're there. [To himself, to his body. Less like he's living life at arm's reach from himself. He's not good at explaining it, even though he's tried.]

Yeah...[He watches Kevin for another few moments, considering the options. He doesn't know much about soulmate stuff or how it works, his parents were always very quiet about it. When he was in junior high, he remembers that Ava started dating someone who wasn't her soulmate and it was a big deal but other than that, he never heard much. From how Kevin has reacted, it doesn't seem like he knows either. ]

Lie down.

[It's not said as a request but he wouldn't be upset if Kevin refuses, he just wants to try something.]

[The request comes as a surprise, but not an unwanted one, necessarily. He's just not sure what the next step is, even if he gets the feeling there is a next step.

But he does trust Emery, so he doesn't say no. He moves his hands to drop onto his back on the bed, turning his head to look at Emery, making a little hand gesture, like he's showing him that he's there.]

[He smiles, unwrapping his leg from around Kevin's so they aren't touching anymore and then turning so he's facing Kevin more completely. He lifts his hand, moving slowly so Kevin can track it, knows when it's coming, not that he thinks he will really pull away, and cups Kevin's face. For a moment he just settles with it there, the skin on skin contact enough to distract him again, it takes another minute before he runs his thumb under Kevin's eye. The one that mirrors where his black eye is, and presses down gently.]

Does that hurt?

[He's not really sure what he's expecting, even if Kevin can feel the pain that Emery does, it isn't like he has an actual injury there himself. But he's curious how far this goes, and how much they are connected.]

[He's still a little distracted by the contact when Emery speaks, the look on his face almost dazed by it. It's intense; he's not sure if the more intimate touch actually makes the sensation more overwhelming, or it just feels that way because of the added intimacy.

It only takes a second to catch up though, and he offers a soft smile.] Not right now. Might if it was someone else, though, I don't know.

[Emery nods, this thumb continuing to run under Kevin's eye, along his cheekbone. For a moment he doesn't even remember what he was trying to do, the touch is so intense, it's sending sparks over his skin, like being oversensitive but in an opposite way from what the monster does, every nerve is still lit up, but with pleasure, not pain.

Reluctantly, he pulls his hand away. The more intense the pleasure is, the more intense it feels when they disconnect, like the pain is somehow worse just because of how much relief they were receiving moments earlier. He tries to stay strong instead of just rushing forward again.]

You go now. Touch me the same way. [He's not really sure what he's hoping for, or what it will prove, but as far as testing theories goes, it certainly isn't unenjoyable.]

[The loss makes something go tight in his chest, not entirely from the pain coming back. He's starting to wonder if he's ever going to get used to this. It's like being high again but better. Less chance of it all going wrong, less of a mess afterwards.

Emery's instruction just makes him smile a little more.] Running tests, doc? [It's soft, fondly teasing, and he reaches up without hesitation. Fingers tracing gently down the side of Emery's face before his hand settles there, thumb stroking over his cheekbone before finding the bruise, pressing carefully into it.]

It's the best way to learn. [Both running tests and what they are actually doing right now. If only more of his schoolwork consisted of these kinds of hypotheses, he could use an excuse to do it more often.

He takes a soft breath in when Kevin's hands run down his face, like a gasp but smaller, his eyes wanting to close against the touch, they flutter for a moment before he hisses as Kevin presses against the bruise. His own hand reaching out again towards Kevin when he makes a similar noise of pain, his hand not quite making it to Kevin's face but resting against his shoulder, like it will ease anything he caused, and honestly, it might.]

Sorry. I just wanted to know how it worked. [A quiet apology, for making Kevin cause them both pain, even if it's already gone, was gone the moment Kevin moved his fingers away.]

[As soon as Emery reacts and the pain shoots through his face, he's stopping. His thumb stroking over the spot like he's trying to soothe away the pain, even as he shakes his head at the question.]

It's okay. You're right, it's good to know.

[Technically he's already done everything Emery told him to do, he should pull his hand back. He's not, though, not yet even though it feels like pushing it to keep his hand where it is.]

Anything else you wanted to try?

Edited 2025-04-08 05:43 (UTC)

[It's not like Emery is in any rush to pull away either just watching Kevin quietly, letting his hand soothe all the worries of the day. The question makes him consider though, tilting his head again after a moment.]

Put your hand out. And...close your eyes.

[He removes Kevin's hand from his face, even as it makes everything come rushing back unpleasantly, and shows him how to hold it out, palm up, in front of Emery but not touching him.] Just...[Trust me. He thinks, but doesn't say.] I won't do anything bad, promise.

I know you won't. [It's said quietly, with nothing but certainty in it. He only waits to see what he's supposed to be doing before he shuts his eyes, hand held in front of him. Waiting, patient and trusting.]

[He waits until Kevin's eyes are well and truly closed and then leans forward. Mostly he's curious if it will feel the same even if they don't see the touch happening, like somehow the mental aspect makes it more intense. It's mostly a flawed test because Kevin still knows that the touch will happen, but not from where or how. And realistically just putting his hand out to press against Kevin's would probably do, but instead he leans forward, pressing his lips against the tips of Kevin's fingers.

He's not sure why he does it. Maybe because Kevin isn't watching him, or maybe just to see what might happen. It feels like his breath gets caught in his chest as soon as his lips touch the soft flesh of Kevin's fingers. His whole body focused in, listening out for Kevin's reaction.]

[He doesn't really know what to expect, but that's not it. His breath catches a little in his chest, both at the gesture and the feeling it sends buzzing back through him. The back and forth seems to make it more intense every time, the pain worse when it comes back and therefore the relief even better.

He's doing his best to let Emery lead, doesn't want to interrupt if he has anything specific he's trying to figure out. But he can't quite stop himself from touching in return, thumb running over Emery's jaw, touching the corner of his lips lightly.]

[He hums slightly, tilting his head to kiss Kevin's fingers before he pulls away.]

Don't move. Keep your eyes closed. [He sounds a little wrecked as he says it, voice a little raspy. He tries to tell himself it is just because of all the back and forth. The relief and pain coming and going frequently enough it makes his head spin.

He waits another few moments for Kevin to do as he says, before leaning forward again, this time kissing right below Kevin's palm, in the curve of his wrist. He wants to ask if this is as intense for Kevin as it is for him. If he feels the sizzle beneath his skin, the waves of pleasure shooting through him? But he's afraid of the answer. Not sure if it would be worse if he said yes, or no.]

[He shudders a little when Emery makes contact, the way he suddenly relaxes again setting him off balance. Or maybe it's just the touch by itself. He honestly doesn't know at this point, any more than he really knows what they're doing here. But it feels too good to complain about that. Every spot Emery touches feels like it's lighting up, spreading out through him.

It's hard to lie there and be touched without responding. His hand twists a little after a few moments, fingers brushing through Emery's hair lightly. It's a little more familiar than most of this, which doesn't help with the way all of this makes him feel a little off-kilter. Still not enough to mind, just enough to notice.]

[It's easier for him to touch Kevin when he isn't being watched, when it's unexpected, under the guise of more testing when really now he's just giving in to what he wants to do. He knows it isn't really fair, not with the way Kevin keeps trying to touch him back, his fingers brushing through Emery's hair gently. But letting him respond feels too much like letting this be real again. And he's not sure he's ready for that.

Still, he lifts his hand, putting it under Kevin's arm, both to hold it up and so that when Emery pulls his lips away, it doesn't break their contact again. He isn't gone long, only moving enough to go higher, pressing the next kiss to the middle of Kevin's forearm.

For as much as he isn't really testing theories anymore, it does still give him information. Every time his lips press against Kevin, he feels it more intensely, any touch still helps, the pain always at ease as long as they are connected, but it's like his lips send more direct lines of pleasure pulsing through him, something that is far different from when he uses just his hand. He's not sure if he's the one making it a bigger deal, or if it's another soulmate thing. Asking feels like it might break the moment, and he doesn't want to do that, not when it feels so fragile already.]

[There isn't really any way to respond anymore, not without bringing more touch into the equation, reaching out with his other hand. Something about that feels like it's going to break this. Like if he does too much, it'll scare Emery off. Or maybe he'll just lose his nerve if he tests it too much. Not something he ever would have worried about before, but it's a thought in the back of his head.

So he just lays there and lets Emery do what he wants, which -- if you asked him, he would've thought maybe that would make it different. Less intense, less all-consuming. If anything, it feels more; without nothing to do and no other input to pay attention to, all he can do is focus on the feelings the gentle touches spark off through him. It draws a soft noise out of him without intending to make it, barely loud enough to be audible even in the stillness, his fingers flexing slightly against the blanket like he doesn't know what to do with himself.]

[Once he's satisfied with the kiss to Kevin's forearm, he moves up again, kissing the inside of his elbow. Without Kevin distracting him with touch of his own, it's easy to get lost in what he's doing. Enjoying the way every new press of his lips, sends another wave of pleasure through him, the higher he gets, the more intense. He wonders briefly if what he feels is coming fully from him, or if some of it is from Kevin too. He can see the way he's breathing, the way his body is so still, his fingers moving against the blanket, like he's trying to hold back, to be good. He can only imagine the way it feels for Kevin, and if it's even a fraction of how he feels, he understands how intense it is.

The rest of Kevin's arm gets the same treatment until he runs out of places to press his lips. It feels like he has to make a decision, has to either end this or keep going. He told himself he wasn't going to rush back into something physical, that he didn't want to ruin what they have. But how is he supposed to hold back when it feels this good? He hesitates, leaning forward but still not fully committing, at the last moment, he cops out, tilting his head and kissing the underside of Kevin's jaw instead of his lips.

The feeling is a lot. So much that he's almost not sure he would be able to handle kissing Kevin's lips, not if he didn't want things to go any further. As it is, a noise spills from his own lips, and he pulls back. The pulse of desire still rushing in his veins even though his lips are no longer pressed there. His hand is still on Kevin's arm and even that feels too much. He closes his own eyes, trying to settle the racing of his heart. The have been together before but it never felt like this.]

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