neverfoundtheanswer

I know you won't. [It's said quietly, with nothing but certainty in it. He only waits to see what he's supposed to be doing before he shuts his eyes, hand held in front of him. Waiting, patient and trusting.]

[He waits until Kevin's eyes are well and truly closed and then leans forward. Mostly he's curious if it will feel the same even if they don't see the touch happening, like somehow the mental aspect makes it more intense. It's mostly a flawed test because Kevin still knows that the touch will happen, but not from where or how. And realistically just putting his hand out to press against Kevin's would probably do, but instead he leans forward, pressing his lips against the tips of Kevin's fingers.

He's not sure why he does it. Maybe because Kevin isn't watching him, or maybe just to see what might happen. It feels like his breath gets caught in his chest as soon as his lips touch the soft flesh of Kevin's fingers. His whole body focused in, listening out for Kevin's reaction.]

[He doesn't really know what to expect, but that's not it. His breath catches a little in his chest, both at the gesture and the feeling it sends buzzing back through him. The back and forth seems to make it more intense every time, the pain worse when it comes back and therefore the relief even better.

He's doing his best to let Emery lead, doesn't want to interrupt if he has anything specific he's trying to figure out. But he can't quite stop himself from touching in return, thumb running over Emery's jaw, touching the corner of his lips lightly.]

[He hums slightly, tilting his head to kiss Kevin's fingers before he pulls away.]

Don't move. Keep your eyes closed. [He sounds a little wrecked as he says it, voice a little raspy. He tries to tell himself it is just because of all the back and forth. The relief and pain coming and going frequently enough it makes his head spin.

He waits another few moments for Kevin to do as he says, before leaning forward again, this time kissing right below Kevin's palm, in the curve of his wrist. He wants to ask if this is as intense for Kevin as it is for him. If he feels the sizzle beneath his skin, the waves of pleasure shooting through him? But he's afraid of the answer. Not sure if it would be worse if he said yes, or no.]

[He shudders a little when Emery makes contact, the way he suddenly relaxes again setting him off balance. Or maybe it's just the touch by itself. He honestly doesn't know at this point, any more than he really knows what they're doing here. But it feels too good to complain about that. Every spot Emery touches feels like it's lighting up, spreading out through him.

It's hard to lie there and be touched without responding. His hand twists a little after a few moments, fingers brushing through Emery's hair lightly. It's a little more familiar than most of this, which doesn't help with the way all of this makes him feel a little off-kilter. Still not enough to mind, just enough to notice.]

[It's easier for him to touch Kevin when he isn't being watched, when it's unexpected, under the guise of more testing when really now he's just giving in to what he wants to do. He knows it isn't really fair, not with the way Kevin keeps trying to touch him back, his fingers brushing through Emery's hair gently. But letting him respond feels too much like letting this be real again. And he's not sure he's ready for that.

Still, he lifts his hand, putting it under Kevin's arm, both to hold it up and so that when Emery pulls his lips away, it doesn't break their contact again. He isn't gone long, only moving enough to go higher, pressing the next kiss to the middle of Kevin's forearm.

For as much as he isn't really testing theories anymore, it does still give him information. Every time his lips press against Kevin, he feels it more intensely, any touch still helps, the pain always at ease as long as they are connected, but it's like his lips send more direct lines of pleasure pulsing through him, something that is far different from when he uses just his hand. He's not sure if he's the one making it a bigger deal, or if it's another soulmate thing. Asking feels like it might break the moment, and he doesn't want to do that, not when it feels so fragile already.]

[There isn't really any way to respond anymore, not without bringing more touch into the equation, reaching out with his other hand. Something about that feels like it's going to break this. Like if he does too much, it'll scare Emery off. Or maybe he'll just lose his nerve if he tests it too much. Not something he ever would have worried about before, but it's a thought in the back of his head.

So he just lays there and lets Emery do what he wants, which -- if you asked him, he would've thought maybe that would make it different. Less intense, less all-consuming. If anything, it feels more; without nothing to do and no other input to pay attention to, all he can do is focus on the feelings the gentle touches spark off through him. It draws a soft noise out of him without intending to make it, barely loud enough to be audible even in the stillness, his fingers flexing slightly against the blanket like he doesn't know what to do with himself.]

[Once he's satisfied with the kiss to Kevin's forearm, he moves up again, kissing the inside of his elbow. Without Kevin distracting him with touch of his own, it's easy to get lost in what he's doing. Enjoying the way every new press of his lips, sends another wave of pleasure through him, the higher he gets, the more intense. He wonders briefly if what he feels is coming fully from him, or if some of it is from Kevin too. He can see the way he's breathing, the way his body is so still, his fingers moving against the blanket, like he's trying to hold back, to be good. He can only imagine the way it feels for Kevin, and if it's even a fraction of how he feels, he understands how intense it is.

The rest of Kevin's arm gets the same treatment until he runs out of places to press his lips. It feels like he has to make a decision, has to either end this or keep going. He told himself he wasn't going to rush back into something physical, that he didn't want to ruin what they have. But how is he supposed to hold back when it feels this good? He hesitates, leaning forward but still not fully committing, at the last moment, he cops out, tilting his head and kissing the underside of Kevin's jaw instead of his lips.

The feeling is a lot. So much that he's almost not sure he would be able to handle kissing Kevin's lips, not if he didn't want things to go any further. As it is, a noise spills from his own lips, and he pulls back. The pulse of desire still rushing in his veins even though his lips are no longer pressed there. His hand is still on Kevin's arm and even that feels too much. He closes his own eyes, trying to settle the racing of his heart. The have been together before but it never felt like this.]

[The feeling just seems to grow every time, multiply even though there's no longer those stretches of broken contact. Kevin's giving up on trying to figure out why, just letting himself drift on it, pulse hammering and mouth dry. His breathing stutters again at the feeling of Emery's mouth against his jaw, familiar and brand new at the same time, with the new feelings shooting through it. It's weighty, in a way things never have been. They were always good at keeping it light, never really treated any kind of intimacy like it meant anything. He doesn't really think that's an option anymore, not with this.

Another little noise comes out of him when Emery pulls back completely, feeling the loss even though there's still some touch there. He's too caught up in it to even feel embarrassed by it. He hasn't really felt desire like this since he came back to his body -- too distant, too foggy, too depressed, always something in the way of it, and it's a little bit overwhelming now.

He shifts slightly in his spot, but it takes him a minute to open his eyes again. Just watching Emery for a minute, searching his face like he's trying to figure out if he's feeling all of it just as strongly. Part of Kevin wants to pull him back in, but if he thought rejection might hurt before, that's nothing compared to how he thinks it might feel now. He doesn't like to admit how fragile he is these days, but he thinks that might break him.

So he shifts a little more instead, tries to bring it back to something lighter, hoping they can both just ignore that he's the one that sounds wrecked now, voice rough.] Figure anything out?

[He laughs, he can't help it, because the question is ridiculous. How could he even try to explain what he figured out? Namely that he has no idea what he's doing. And secondly, that all of this is way more intense than he ever could have imagined. It's not like he didn't have a soulmate before. And him and Riley fooled around, but this is so much different. He doesn't know if it's because of their history or just because it's Kevin, someone he's been obsessed with for the past year, but it feels more right with him it ever did with Riley.

That isn't something he can really explain so he just goes for something more casual instead. A thought that has come to him more than a few times through all of this.] If everyone else feels this way, how come it isn't talked about more?

[Sure there are more than a few books written, and movies made about soulmates and their strong connections but most of that always felt like fiction, but this is living proof. Maybe it isn't always this intense for people, maybe they are an outlier.

He looks up at Kevin again, watching his face for any sign that he's upset, either by Emery's theories or by the fact he stopped, but he doesn't find anything there so he moves forward again, this time not looking for a kiss, but just more touch, leaning his head down on Kevin's shoulder, a mirror of the affection he sought after when he first walked into the room today, content this time to just hold him.]

I don't know. Maybe it's something to do with the weird situation, makes it... more. Or maybe people just find it hard to describe.

[He's honestly not sure he could put it to words, not ones that would make sense to anybody else. It feels indescribable. And he's not sure he'd want to, either. He doesn't really know if he wants to share it with anyone, except Emery.

At least they do seem to share it, and it isn't all him.

The way Emery settles against him makes it a little easier to settle, at least helpful even if it's not like it was before. His hand moves to sit against Emery's back, not holding him there, just another point of contact between them.]

[Even though there isn’t anything inherently intimate about the way they are touching now, he still feels like his body is buzzing, focused so intently on those little points of contact. It feels too good to let go, even if it means he can’t really settle. His hand, which was still holding Kevin’s arm, moves up and down, his fingers trailing softly across Kevin’s skin.]

That’s one positive for demon possession. It makes all of this way more intense.

[He means it as a joke but it also puts into words how he is feeling, how much he is feeling. It wouldn’t be as simple to just say it outright, but at least in a joke he can laugh it off if it’s received poorly.]

Or sprouting a soulmate out of nowhere as an adult. That could be the answer too.

[Really, there's too many weird things about their situation to pick. Even people who get a soulmate late in life haven't usually slept with their soulmate repeatedly before forming a bond between them, for one. Theirs is about as far from typical as you can get.

Not that it matters, because mostly it's just a veiled agreement. That it is intense, every touch a lot to handle.]

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