neverfoundtheanswer

[The moment they get home, Emery feels the strong urge to go to Kevin's room. The feeling had been building since he got hurt but now that they are close, it is nearly unbearable. He forces it down though, not wanting to upset Professor Brooks by running off too quickly. He hopes that any distraction the professor notices is attributed to the day's events and not the fact that half of his brain is screaming Kevin's name.

Thankfully he isn't detained long and once he is released, he holds back from running up the stairs to get to their hallway. He should probably change his clothes, his shirt has blood on it from his nose and his lip and his pants are dirty from being in the holding cell, but he can't really be bothered. He doesn't even think about going into his room, making a beeline for Kevin's instead and not even bothering to knock, just pulling the door open once he gets there.

He wanted to ask if Kevin was okay, that's been the main focus in his mind. Every slam against the cop car, every shove into a wall, every time they made the handcuffs too tight, his thoughts went to Kevin who was likely lying on the bed, completely unaware of why he was suddenly feeling so much pain. But instead of words leaving his lips when he sees Kevin, he releases a small whine and all but collapses into his arms, holding onto him.

It's awkward because Emery has never been much of a hugger even before all of this, always feel a little too caged in when someone had their arms around him, but this hug is different, this is exactly what he needed. The shakiness of his limbs disappears the way his headache and the throbbing of his eye does. It's like instant pain relief, instant calm. Any residual fear or anxiety he has just getting washed away the moment Kevin's arms are around him. He'd be more embarrassed if it weren't for the fact he knows Kevin feels it too. And really, it's been a rough day. If there was ever a time to allow a little bit of affection, it would be now. He's used to dealing with the pain the demon doles out and he's used to being put in rough situations, but he wasn't expecting this. Without the professor he'd probably still be in that cell, just another kid that gets caught up in the system with no help and no way out. He's been trying hard not to think about it all day and now, with Kevin, it's finally easier to push aside. He's safe. He'll be okay.]

[One thing he's never heard anyone discuss about having soulmate is how it feels to be laying there, perfectly normal one moment, and feeling someone else's pain the next. The way it shocks the system, fight or flight, adrenaline rising to take care of something that could be miles away. Maybe it's just that most people with soulmates don't have the same fears of something else taking control. Or that they can probably contact them anytime, while Kevin tries to restrain himself, not wanting to interrupt in the middle of an errand, especially if it's going as badly as what he's feeling says it is. It doesn't feel like the all-over burning from the other day; this just feels like an old-fashioned beating. Which, at least he already knows how to handle those, and this one can't leave bruises on him.

The other thing he doesn't expect: the way even through the pain his mind immediately jumps to Emery, worry rising sharply with every phantom hit. Ask him before all this, he'd have assumed he'd be focused on taking care of himself, but instead he can't get the other off of his mind. Even once the new pains stop coming, he feels like he's going out of his mind with worry.

So it's two kinds of relief at once, when Emery walks in. The physical release from the pain suddenly lessening, going from a cacophony to a dull roar; and the mental release from seeing he's okay. Even seeing the damage, it still settles him immediately.

Consciously, he's not really expecting for Emery to practically fall onto him. Subconsciously, it's the only thing that makes sense, and Kevin's arms are around him without missing so much as a beat, the only natural response. A hand finds the back of his neck, skin on skin contact, the other arm keeping him close. The pain drains away, and nothing else seems to matter anymore -- everything's fine now.

He's quiet for a minute, just holding on tight, before he finally finds his voice.] So where's the truck that hit you?

[For a moment it's all he can do to hold on. Even though the response is immediate, the way his pain disappears and his worry lessens, for some reason it takes him a little longer to fully calm down, so he just holds on through it, while his body adjusts to feeling normal again, better than normal, to feeling good. His own arms around Kevin's waist, the tips of his fingers find space where Kevin's shirt is folded up to press against his skin. It's always better when there are no barriers between them. He doesn't really want to think about more than this, it's already overwhelming enough as it is.

He's grateful when Kevin speaks, cutting some of the tension with a joke. He huffs out a small laugh, more of a breath than anything else and responds.] Probably still at the police station, or trying to find some other poor kid to torture.

[He doesn't say innocent, because unfortunately he isn't innocent and if he's being honest with himself, he probably deserves what happened. It's what makes this most difficult. He's glad he's out of there, can't stand the thought of going back, but if he was genuinely asked, he'd have to agree that they were well within their rights to punish him for what he did.]

[It sends a little shiver through him, the fingers against his skin and the way the bond responds to it. You'd never know he was in pain maybe four minutes ago from the lax way he's practically melting into Emery, relaxed from the sheer amount of contact. He's almost, kind of, getting used to the bits he's gotten so far, but being this pressed together is something else entirely.]

Shit, no wonder your wrists have been a mess. [It makes sense with the sensations he's gotten, he just wasn't really thinking coherently enough to try to backtrack and figure out what those sensations are from.] What'd they catch you doing?

[It's not the easiest way to talk, his face basically pressed into Kevin's shoulder but he's still reluctant to pull away, even just a little bit, so it'll have to do, at least Kevin doesn't seem to mind much either.] Breaking into a house...[Which definitely isn't the worst part. And he knows that Kevin won't judge him, it's just still hard to admit himself.] An old lady's house.

[He should probably be more embarrassed that he got caught, especially after talking himself up so much when they did that errand together but the shame has settled so deeply into his bones that it's hard to feel anything other than that right now.]

Yeah? [Kevin's not about to complain about him keeping close, even if it means having to listen a little more carefully. His fingers start moving absently, thumb sweeping back and forth against the curve of Emery's neck as he tries to bite back a laugh, grinning a little.] Maybe I should be finding someone else to teach me this stuff. Just in case you need help again.

[Not that he's really expecting to start going along with Emery regularly, he's just teasing him.]

[He's not surprised by the reaction Kevin has and it would be easy with how he feels right not to just shrug it off, to laugh with him. But he didn't see how scared that person looked. He didn't hear the shit those cops said when they were pushing him around. He doesn't have to deal with every single action settling heavy on his conscious, knowing that even if he somehow got out of this contract, it wouldn't make all the horrible shit he's done go away.

So instead of brushing it of, he pulls back, dropping his arms and moving to put his own around himself instead, which just adds to the bad feeling, which comes swooping back in full force once they aren't touching anymore.]

You shouldn't be helping me with any of it. You shouldn't be involved in this.

[His stomach drops when Emery pulls away, the ache settling in immediately. He doesn't think he'd even notice it compared to before if it wasn't for how the contact had settled everything, making the pain stand out brighter once it comes back.]

--But I kinda am no matter what. [He doesn't sound bothered by that thought at all, and he reaches out to settle a hand on Emery's arm.] So I might as well help.

[Dammit, the contact is too good, even just the hand on his arm makes him want to lean in again. He's trying to be strong here. To have a conversation about how he doesn't want Kevin to damn himself just because of his stupid mistakes, but every touch makes his argument feel weaker and weaker.]

Kevin, I'm being serious. It's bad enough that I have to do these things, I'm not going to drag you down too. [It comes out tired, because as much as he'd like to avoid Kevin's involvement, he's right, he is in it no matter what. If Emery just refuses, then Kevin will suffer too. It's a rock and a hard place, when he signed that contract, he basically damned them both.]

You broke into someone's house, Em. You're not exactly a serial killer.

[He's not trying to take this lightly, but it's hard to see what the fuss is about. Kevin can absolutely understand why it's so frustrating to be locked into this arrangement. But breaking into houses and stealing shit doesn't feel like something to be this guilty over.]

[The nickname makes him pause, his shoulders relaxing as most of the rest of the fight leaves him. He wasn't expecting it, that endearment. Sure Kevin has called him names before, like "doc" or "boss" but this is different. It feels intimate in a way that is separate from when they touch, like Kevin is trying to calm him emotionally as well as physically. He lets out a sigh.]

It's just not who I am...[Except that it is, it is literally who he is.] It's not who I wanted to be.

You're not defined by doing what you have to do to survive. Even if you were, the way you feel about it means a lot more than the things you're made to do.

[It's a quiet answer, more serious than he was a few moments ago. His hand slips down to cover Emery's hand instead, draining away a little more of the pain.]

Unfortunately most of the world is ignorant to the problems interdimensional monsters are creating. You're probably the only person who sees it that way.

[Which isn't entirely true. He knows he has the professor as well, but it's hard not to let the thoughts of others eventually get to him. Hell, his own family disowned him because of what he's being forced to do, the people who are supposed to be there for him no matter what left him during his time of need. Even Kevin (not Kevin, the thing controlling Kevin) turned his back on him once.

He pulls away again but moves further into the room, sitting down on the edge of the bed and wrapping a hand around his wrist again. Not that it really hurts, not with Kevin this close, it's more out of habit than anything. An attempt to protect himself as he gives himself a moment to breathe.

Even though the moment is filled with more pain and anxiety because they aren't touching. But when they are touching, he feels like he can't think straight. He groans a little bit, feeling like he can't win, no matter what option he goes with, there is always a little bit of suffering to be had.]

[He wants to argue with that, but he can't, really. There might be other people out there who would get it, but it's not like they'd necessarily know. All he has is:] Yeah, but you know it, at least. [It doesn't feel like much.

He turns when Emery moves to sit down, hands in his pockets, trying to figure out what he's supposed to do here. Comforting isn't necessarily his strong suit. Distraction, sure, but not comfort. And he can't exactly offer the same distractions he used to.

(Well, he could, but he'd really prefer not to suffer the humiliation of his soulmate turning him down today, thanks.)

After a few moments, Kevin moves to sit next to him. Not quite touching, but close enough that it wouldn't take much, if Emery's looking for the relief. He figures he probably won't take it, clearly doesn't want to be that close -- he's probably only in this room in the first place because of how much more it would hurt if he left. What a fucking choice to ask someone to make. Privacy and pain, or give up one to get rid of the other.]

[For a few moments he doesn't say anything, doesn't do anything, just sits there in silence, allowing the closeness of Kevin's body to just lull the pain into a dull hum so he can think.

Not that it does him much good. All of his thoughts are muddled with what other people think of him, his parents calling him entitled and spoiled and sick, those cops saying he's the worst kind of criminal, a freak, preying on the weak, even Kevin's voice comes up, calling him worthless, laughing in his face at his pain.

His stomach twists to bring up that memory, and it quickly shoves it back down, tries to avoid the feelings it resurfaces. He's knows now that it wasn't Kevin, but that doesn't change the fact that for months he did. For months he struggled with the idea that this was how Kevin thought of him. Would it do any good to tell him what happened? Or would it just make him hurt too?

Instead, he asks.] Would you even be trying to help me if you didn't have to?

[It's kind of a rude question, it's not like either of them will ever know the truth behind it. They know now that they are soulmates, what difference does it make to think about if they weren't? For some reason he still wants to know. If Kevin had the choice to walk away, would he?]

[He's quiet for a minute, genuinely considering the question. It's hard to untangle the complicated knot things are, knowing they're soulmates. If his instinct is to immediately say yes, is that because of the bond, or is it the truth? And Kevin doesn't feel like he knows himself nearly as well as he did before everything happened to him, like he's still trying to figure out who he is now.

Back then, he doesn't think so. Not like he is now, anyway. He's pretty sure he'd have been okay with their kind of friendship, offering a safe place to crash and a few ways to take Emery's mind off of the pain, for as long as it went on. But if he'd go out of his way, if he'd have taken on anything else if he didn't have to -- probably not.

Things aren't the same anymore.]

...I think so. [He's genuinely trying to give an honest answer, and it's the most honest thing he can say.] I know -- it's not the same thing, what you're dealing with. But I also know it sucks about as much for you as it did for me. If I could make it easier, I'd want to do that.

[And it means something to him, that Emery's still here and talking to him, after everything. Even before they were stuck together. But that feels like too much to say, too hard to admit.]

[He can accept that. It's similarly the truth for Emery. Even before the soulmate bond, he had gone to Kevin to make sure he was okay, and most of that was because of the trauma they now share. It's not the same, but it's similar enough and no one else will really understand it, not like they do.]

About what happened to you...if I had known what was happening sooner, I would have tried to stop it. [It's not something they need to get into now but the guilt Emery feels bleeds into that as well. He feels horrible for walking away, even if the monster made him. He feels bad he gave in.

After everything that happened, after the last time he spoke to him, he still tried to keep an eye out, to see what Kevin was up to and make sure he was okay. It hurt, but part of him still hoped Kevin would change his mind, or that something else was going on to make him behave that way.

Once he found out the truth, he was right there. Helping where he could, and keeping an eye out, asking a million questions and trying to find out when Kevin would be back. He still wishes he could have done something sooner, and saved Kevin from that grief. He didn't deserve it. He still doesn't.]

I'm sorry I wasn't there. And that you have to deal with my issues now. It's not fair to you. [Again he misses the point that it isn't fair to either of them, all he sees is that Kevin got away from a monster just to now feel the effects of another. Some soulmate he is.]

You don't have to apologize for that. For any of it. They did their best to make sure nobody was there, it wasn't your fault. [And he can't blame Emery for thinking he'd turn on a dime and drop him. Even if Kevin did like his company, he never gave him much reason to think otherwise.]

Besides, you were there when it was gone. That's -- you didn't have to come back. [It's as close to thanking him for it as Kevin's managed to get.] And you definitely didn't ask for...

[He gestures between them, and then shrugs. Leans back on his hands, glancing away, because all this is a lot to say and actually look at Emery at the same time.]

So. Nothing to apologize for, as far as I'm concerned.

I was probably always going to come back.

[Said quietly, facing forwards instead of turning towards Kevin. But it's the truth. Even if it wasn't a demon and was just Kevin changing his mind and not wanting to hang out with Emery anymore, the second he decided he wanted him back, Emery would have been there. Maybe that does make him weak. But it's also honest.

He leans back to lie down, the bouncing of the bed making his head hurt slightly, he winces, eyes drifting to Kevin to see if he feels it too, something that is still so odd to him, and thinks that as far as soulmates go. He could definitely do worse.

His first one was probably worse.

He sighs, putting his hands on his stomach, staring at the ceiling.] You aren't so bad...at least I don't have to explain my tattoos to someone else. [It's mostly a joke, especially by the way he says it, still not really looking at Kevin, but it's also true. He can't imagine being this comfortable around someone else, soulmate or not, it would have been difficult to let someone else in. At least Kevin already knows pretty much everything, and he doesn't jump when Kevin touches him. It definitely makes some things a lot easier.]

[He's not really sure what to say to that. Not really sure what it means. He's always figured he was just -- convenient, the first person he'd found who didn't give enough of a shit to push about Emery's oddities. Not really something you'd come back for, especially after... Well, he doesn't actually know how the monster in his body decided to break things between them, but he has enough of a picture to know it wouldn't have been pretty. Not the kind of thing you just bounce back to normal from.

He tenses a little as the pain in his head spikes in response to the way Emery's does, eyes closing, still sitting up. It's tempting to shift over the couple of inches between them, rest his leg against Emery's. Hard to be this close without touching him for any length of time. Maybe not looking at him for a while will help.]

High praise. [It's a slightly awkward joke in return, still not quite sure what else to say. He feels like he should be the one apologizing for them being stuck together; 'not so bad' really is better than he'd expected.] It is handy, not having to explain disappearing for a year. Could do a lot worse.

Thanks. I'll take that as a compliment. [He gives back the same response he received, not really sure what else to say, thanking him feels like too much, even though that response is definitely more than he expected to get from Kevin, he's never really told him much how he feels one way or another. Until it was bad. Until not Kevin did it for him.

Maybe if they talked more about this stuff, it wouldn't be so difficult. Or maybe they should just do what they did before and distract each other in ways that make words unnecessary.

He glances Kevin's way again and knows that he wouldn't be able to just fall back into that. Wouldn't be able to fuck around and not feel bad about it. Not now, not with them being soulmates. As nice as it would be, if they ruin this, then that's it, they don't get another chance.

He would like to not have this headache anymore though, so he moves his leg, pressing his against Kevin's and hooking his foot around Kevin's foot. It's not as nice as skin to skin contact but it does immediately make his headache go away. It's odd that more people don't talk about this aspect of being soulmates, but maybe normal people don't experience as much pain as they do. He turns his head slightly, offering a subject change as an olive branch.]

This helps, right? It's not just me?

[He leans into the contact immediately, even if it's just his leg, the line of his shoulders visibly reacting with his back to Emery. That's probably answer enough, but he shakes his head at the question almost immediately.]

No, it's not just you. The pain just kind of -- disappears. [He pauses, but they're being honest, and he might as well keep that up.] Not just pain. It's... I feel more... connected, when you're there. [To himself, to his body. Less like he's living life at arm's reach from himself. He's not good at explaining it, even though he's tried.]

Yeah...[He watches Kevin for another few moments, considering the options. He doesn't know much about soulmate stuff or how it works, his parents were always very quiet about it. When he was in junior high, he remembers that Ava started dating someone who wasn't her soulmate and it was a big deal but other than that, he never heard much. From how Kevin has reacted, it doesn't seem like he knows either. ]

Lie down.

[It's not said as a request but he wouldn't be upset if Kevin refuses, he just wants to try something.]

[The request comes as a surprise, but not an unwanted one, necessarily. He's just not sure what the next step is, even if he gets the feeling there is a next step.

But he does trust Emery, so he doesn't say no. He moves his hands to drop onto his back on the bed, turning his head to look at Emery, making a little hand gesture, like he's showing him that he's there.]

[He smiles, unwrapping his leg from around Kevin's so they aren't touching anymore and then turning so he's facing Kevin more completely. He lifts his hand, moving slowly so Kevin can track it, knows when it's coming, not that he thinks he will really pull away, and cups Kevin's face. For a moment he just settles with it there, the skin on skin contact enough to distract him again, it takes another minute before he runs his thumb under Kevin's eye. The one that mirrors where his black eye is, and presses down gently.]

Does that hurt?

[He's not really sure what he's expecting, even if Kevin can feel the pain that Emery does, it isn't like he has an actual injury there himself. But he's curious how far this goes, and how much they are connected.]

More ~AU~ building

yesssss good <3

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